Alpha Men Don't Like Thick Women?Oct 25, 2023
I've been stewing on something for a while, and it's got to be said. There's a misconception that the only women men are interested in are the toned, slim, delicate-looking type. It's like a social contagion, all seeming to come from a specific sub-group of white male podcasters. Do you know the type? They're the ones who act like an alpha male; they flash their fancy watches and overly fast luxury cars. They're out here dominating the social media feeds of women and men, talking about how they'd never date an "overweight" woman because they lack a type of care for their health, and they just don't want to be around that type of energy.
But are they actually aware of what's going in these people's lives?
The problem with this is it isn't accurate. Is it okay to have a body type preference? Yeah absolutely! Just like it's okay to have any type of preference, but my issue is that these young guys are saying they're speaking on behalf of the majority of men, which isn't the case.
As a pleasure and empowerment coach, I get the amazing opportunity to speak with REAL men, the men who are out there in the real world, the ones who wake up every single day to head out to a job they may not enjoy at all to provide for their families. The men who are working on their emotional growth, unpacking the trauma they've been inflicted with from our society, the men who are putting their programmed beliefs to the side in order to rewire their understanding of what it means to be a part of a healthy relationship, how to show up as a safe, encouraging and better partner.
Whenever I repost one of these "snobby bro" clips about women needing to be slim, I always get men responding, saying they highly disagree. They share how much they love a woman with jiggles and extra meat on her thighs or bum. They talk about the cute aspects of a woman's stomach that have extra chub, and they drool over the image of grasping a woman's love handles" while she's riding on top of him.
I also watch couple's videos, and I see, time and time again, men of all sizes (and yes, a lot of them are actually super fit) with bigger women, and the way he interacts with her makes it so clear just how much he's in love with the rolls and curves that make up her body. These men are cheering their ladies on in life through the ups and downs she faces. These men know that a woman's body literally changes each week of her cycle and are there on the days she feels her lowest to cheer her on.
These are the real men we need to be focusing on, not these snobby bros who THINK they've worked hard to become an alpha, all because they worked really hard at the gym or were able to consistently wake up at 5 am every day for 6 months to get in their morning jog while they listened to motivational podcasts. Yet they lack the attempt to understand emotional and spiritual growth. They likely haven't learned conflict resolution skills, haven't looked back at their upbringing to decipher why they are the way they're and haven't come face to face with their true shadow side.
I'm not in any way saying that all men who prefer thin women haven't done this type of work; I'm talking about these very few men on the internet who are trying to push their biased views on people who actually don't feel this way, or worse, try to imprint these views on young, impressionable boys/girls.
The reality is that women are built to gain and hold more weight, and men aren't, yet somehow, we've landed in this alternate universe where women are expected to hold little fat and have no curves while men are encouraged to be jacked beyond belief.
I was born in Zambia and have spent my life back and forth between there and Canada and the differences in bodies are amazing. The majority of Zambian women are built "thick" with bellies, thighs that always touch and a juicy bum, while the majority of the men are thin and have a rectangular build. It's the norm to have thin men with almost no fat on their bodies to be with curvy, thick women, and it's such a nice change from Canada.
I have these two friends from Uganda who are petite women with a slim build, and when I went to see them the other week, they were complimenting me for my thick thighs and big breasts - the insecure Canadian in me felt down about this- I didn't want to be faced with that reality in a world that is now pushing Ozempic on non-diabetic celebrities who are sadly trying to bring toxic skinny and low rise jeans back, but the Zambian in me knew this was an amazing, high compliment from them.
These two women have really struggled in their African communities while living in Canada. The pressure to put weight on, to have thighs that touch and have large breasts was deeply felt by them, and no matter what they tried to do, they just couldn't put the weight on. One of them wanted to be thick so badly she would eat an entire pot of pasta just minutes before bed in hopes that she could gain in size (NOT a healthy thing to do, so don't try).
They described themselves as looking like little boys with no curves, and African men didn't want that. Yet, in our society here, we look at these women as having the ideal body, and yet they walk around with their own insecurities. Men and women want different things, so how in the world can a few podcast bros determine what all men want and crave in a woman?
What happens when that podcast bro has a wife who comes down with a chronic illness, and the meds that help her through the day add 50 pounds to her body? What will the relationship look like? Will he have deep respect for her as the amazing woman in his life to walk that journey with her and love her unconditionally? Will he work hard to ensure that she feels desired while she's fighting for her health, or will she be pushed aside because her body is no longer what it was when she was 26?
How will the podcast bro handle his wife when she's given birth to three of his children, has saggy breasts from nursing, a cellulite-covered stomach and belly fat that she can't get rid of due to the botched c-section that ruined her abdominal muscles, all sacrifices she made that he'll never be forced to make himself, in order to provide him with the family unit he wanted so badly.
What happens if she's deep into postpartum depression, hasn't lost the baby weight at all but, in fact, has gained weight and is feeling like she's drowning in sadness from the hormones released after pregnancy- will that podcast bro sacrifice his gym time to hold his girl on the couch while she's sobbing? Will he refuse to go out and pick up ice cream as she requested because he's concerned that she'll gain more weight?
What happens if she develops a metabolic disorder from the fasting and restrictive dieting she feels pressure to continue with which then causes her body to think she's in a famine and can't access food, so her metabolism slows down, and her body holds on to fat? Will he love her only if she looks the exact same way when he met her, or will he venture out to learn that research for women's fitness is only done on women in their ovulation phase or post-menopausal women?
Will he learn that all the fitness and dieting research out there that he benefits from doesn't take into account that while men only have one biological clock (the circadian rhythm), women have two? (the infradian rhythm AND circadian rhythm in their bleeding years and then in menopause, they're only on the circadian), meaning that women's bodies don't actually work like little, smaller versions of men's and need to eat, work out and live in an entirely different way - will he do that research because that's showing up as a partner, or will he stay in his delusional state?
The men who reach out to me about these videos always, ALWAYS make the same statement. "That's not a real man; that's not someone who wants a REAL woman. Being with a woman takes a mature man, someone who understands the complexities that women go through. That dude is full of shit"
When I say guys like this hold a one-sided view, it's hard to take them seriously as an adult woman who has lived, but boys and girls who take this in are being indoctrinated. Where are the other attributes about a woman that they could talk about? What about our mental fortitude, our ability to create communities, to hold our families together, our intuitive magic, our ability to deal with pain on an ongoing basis, our free spirits, our loving nature... what about everything else that makes up a woman?
I myself am healing the assumptions I've had around men, and I've gotta say, I'm really falling hard for these beautiful, real men. Thank you for working to better understand our needs, the hormone fluctuations each week, the body dysmorphia, the strength and magic we hold and the desire to be held, nurtured and protected. We are warrior women who also need to be held and cuddled. Thank you to the real men doing the real work.