Please, please don't let there be a black mamba near me, I thought. I was sitting outside in the middle of the Zambian bush on a camp chair at 3 am with the stars shining ferociously and the sounds of the night owls chiming in. I was absolutely furious and needed to be anywhere but inside the house. I had spent the last two hours screaming at my then-fiance, informing him that the reason why I was so 'moody' all the time, as he put it was due to his lack of sexual interest in me. I was raging; something snapped inside… all the hurt of being untouched that I had stifled for months tore out of me, and it felt so good.
If you find yourself with a smirk on your face or nodding as you read this, relating all too well, then I'm so sorry you know my hurt and anger. Sexual compatibility is a step we all tend to jump over as we get into relationships; we think that there could never be an issue with desire, attraction and function later on because, hell, it's going so well right now. Wrongso! No one guides us on how to properly prepare for a relationship, and society certainly doesn't normalize opening up a dialogue between couples about expectations, needs and wants before committing.
We blindly walk into partnerships expecting that the other person has the same sex drive, the same hangups and the same desires. But when the reality sinks in, and we're faced with the cold hard facts that we actually didn't spend enough time making sure we were compatible, then a really messy war comes to erupt and truthfully, if it comes to that... we can be left with some major scars and hangups. All because we needed to push our story onto someone else instead of sitting respectfully with two separate tales.
This doesn’t mean that your relationship is doomed; it means that a different approach and probably bringing in a mediator like a therapist or coach could help.
As for our relationship? He’s my ex due to many other issues in the relationship, but the most important takeaway from this story is that I never did see that mamba.